You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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