My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
