she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
