her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
