She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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