you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
