It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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