That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
My ass is underappreciated
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
