At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
