I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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