My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
