This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My feet surprised me
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