Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
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