An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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