No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
