he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
