I hate all girls vehemently.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
