So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
