That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
