Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
4 words: hood of his car
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize