A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
