glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If its not for food we ain't going out.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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