if i can run in heels then i can drive
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I look excited, but its just a facade.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
