Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Randomize
