just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
