You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
