Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
