you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
