You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
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