3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize