I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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