sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
