i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
