I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Randomize
