dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
