that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
it's great music for shaving your balls
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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