It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
