He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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