you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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