So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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