I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
