hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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