im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
