I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
