my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the condom got lost in my hair
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
