Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
