He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
