I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize