She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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