Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
