Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
