He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
