I think I won the penis lottery.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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