Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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