It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
