He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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