Whod you bang
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
