Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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