Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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