I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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