wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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