i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Blood and glitter go together right?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
