I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
